A long time without a post, yes. We've been busy, but really I'm feeling incredibly in limbo because I want to be pregnant again, and so far, I'm not. I had a short cycle after the miscarriage, and have just got my period after a longer than usual cycle, with all the attendant "am i, aren't I?" drama. I'm ashamed to say I cried this time. I didn't even cry about the last miscarriage, but I felt so down on Sunday night after we tried so hard this month that i couldn't help a little weep.
Part of me feels guilty. I have a wonderful daughter and husband, and life could be a lot worse, but I am not good with dealing with disruptions to my plans. I should know by now that the best laid plans oft go awry, but I would dearly like for Millie to have a brother or sister, without a vast age gap. And then part of me wonders whether to be content with what I have. However, I think I'll always want to keep trying, and so in that case, it's waiting for the optimum time once again, and then back on the job.
What's incredibly dispiriting is that even if I do get pregnant, the chances are high that I'll miscarry again. But I've got to get pregnant to find that out...
All of this is attendant with not freaking E out too much. It's not fair to demand that he performs "right now because it's the key moment and if you don't then I'll be so upset" so I have to play it down rather, or the pressure will be too much for him. Argh, infertility, even secondary infertility when you've been blessed with a wonderful child, is a BITCH!
Still, on the plus side, a payrise today, and one not to be sniffed at.
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