Temper temper

In my pursuit of another wee babe, I have become a "temper". It's one of the more extreme addictions of the infertility realm, and some ladies do it for years, becoming truly intimate with the variations of their cycles. I reckon if something has addictive properties, count me in.

Basically, you monitor your basal body temperature each morning at the same time before any activity. Literally, you aren't even supposed to roll over and reach for the thermometer if it's possible to magically teleport it into your mouth (or other suitable orifice, but ew, I am so not going there even if it is "more accurate") After ovulation, your temperature rises by approx 0.4 of a degree or thereabouts, and you know that you are officially on the 2ww. It's useful for checking that you are ovulating (which hasn't so far been a problem for me) and once you get an idea of your cycle, you can time intercourse for maximum chance of conception - so romantic. There are even computer programs that help you work it all out, which does give you the marvellous opportunity to say "computer says no" when you hubby rolls amorously towards you of an evening!

Apart from the temping (which you are supposed to supplement with obsessive checking of your cervical mucous (again, eeew!) there are other ways to monitor fertility signs. I tried the saliva ovulation microscope - which also tells you if you are pregnant as the ferns that you see when you're ovulating just never go away - that's how I got M. And one month I tried ovulation prediction kits... but I am cheap and they cost £19 or so EACH MONTH - gasp - so that hasn't lasted, because it didn't work!

I spend all this time monitoring, though, and actually - touch wood and all - getting pregnant has not tended to be the problem for me, I managed it three times in 6 months before M stuck, but I suppose I feel as though I have a bit of cotrol over that. Once I get pregnant, there doesn't seem to be a lot I can do to stop miscarrying - who knows what utter miracle kept M in there despite her losing an entire week dates wise in the first 8 weeks?

Well, yes, I am obsessed. There's no doubt about it. RIght, time to enter the data on the computer program, and on CD4 computer very definitely says no!

Ups and downs...

A long time without a post, yes. We've been busy, but really I'm feeling incredibly in limbo because I want to be pregnant again, and so far, I'm not. I had a short cycle after the miscarriage, and have just got my period after a longer than usual cycle, with all the attendant "am i, aren't I?" drama. I'm ashamed to say I cried this time. I didn't even cry about the last miscarriage, but I felt so down on Sunday night after we tried so hard this month that i couldn't help a little weep.

Part of me feels guilty. I have a wonderful daughter and husband, and life could be a lot worse, but I am not good with dealing with disruptions to my plans. I should know by now that the best laid plans oft go awry, but I would dearly like for Millie to have a brother or sister, without a vast age gap. And then part of me wonders whether to be content with what I have. However, I think I'll always want to keep trying, and so in that case, it's waiting for the optimum time once again, and then back on the job.

What's incredibly dispiriting is that even if I do get pregnant, the chances are high that I'll miscarry again. But I've got to get pregnant to find that out...

All of this is attendant with not freaking E out too much. It's not fair to demand that he performs "right now because it's the key moment and if you don't then I'll be so upset" so I have to play it down rather, or the pressure will be too much for him. Argh, infertility, even secondary infertility when you've been blessed with a wonderful child, is a BITCH!

Still, on the plus side, a payrise today, and one not to be sniffed at.