Temper temper

In my pursuit of another wee babe, I have become a "temper". It's one of the more extreme addictions of the infertility realm, and some ladies do it for years, becoming truly intimate with the variations of their cycles. I reckon if something has addictive properties, count me in.

Basically, you monitor your basal body temperature each morning at the same time before any activity. Literally, you aren't even supposed to roll over and reach for the thermometer if it's possible to magically teleport it into your mouth (or other suitable orifice, but ew, I am so not going there even if it is "more accurate") After ovulation, your temperature rises by approx 0.4 of a degree or thereabouts, and you know that you are officially on the 2ww. It's useful for checking that you are ovulating (which hasn't so far been a problem for me) and once you get an idea of your cycle, you can time intercourse for maximum chance of conception - so romantic. There are even computer programs that help you work it all out, which does give you the marvellous opportunity to say "computer says no" when you hubby rolls amorously towards you of an evening!

Apart from the temping (which you are supposed to supplement with obsessive checking of your cervical mucous (again, eeew!) there are other ways to monitor fertility signs. I tried the saliva ovulation microscope - which also tells you if you are pregnant as the ferns that you see when you're ovulating just never go away - that's how I got M. And one month I tried ovulation prediction kits... but I am cheap and they cost £19 or so EACH MONTH - gasp - so that hasn't lasted, because it didn't work!

I spend all this time monitoring, though, and actually - touch wood and all - getting pregnant has not tended to be the problem for me, I managed it three times in 6 months before M stuck, but I suppose I feel as though I have a bit of cotrol over that. Once I get pregnant, there doesn't seem to be a lot I can do to stop miscarrying - who knows what utter miracle kept M in there despite her losing an entire week dates wise in the first 8 weeks?

Well, yes, I am obsessed. There's no doubt about it. RIght, time to enter the data on the computer program, and on CD4 computer very definitely says no!

Ups and downs...

A long time without a post, yes. We've been busy, but really I'm feeling incredibly in limbo because I want to be pregnant again, and so far, I'm not. I had a short cycle after the miscarriage, and have just got my period after a longer than usual cycle, with all the attendant "am i, aren't I?" drama. I'm ashamed to say I cried this time. I didn't even cry about the last miscarriage, but I felt so down on Sunday night after we tried so hard this month that i couldn't help a little weep.

Part of me feels guilty. I have a wonderful daughter and husband, and life could be a lot worse, but I am not good with dealing with disruptions to my plans. I should know by now that the best laid plans oft go awry, but I would dearly like for Millie to have a brother or sister, without a vast age gap. And then part of me wonders whether to be content with what I have. However, I think I'll always want to keep trying, and so in that case, it's waiting for the optimum time once again, and then back on the job.

What's incredibly dispiriting is that even if I do get pregnant, the chances are high that I'll miscarry again. But I've got to get pregnant to find that out...

All of this is attendant with not freaking E out too much. It's not fair to demand that he performs "right now because it's the key moment and if you don't then I'll be so upset" so I have to play it down rather, or the pressure will be too much for him. Argh, infertility, even secondary infertility when you've been blessed with a wonderful child, is a BITCH!

Still, on the plus side, a payrise today, and one not to be sniffed at.

We were sailing..

Cor those cruise ships are brilliant. An utterly excellent holiday on MV Aurora and who'd have thought their facilities for children would be so good. M had an absolutely marvellous time, and so did we. More food than we could eat and a decent amount of plonk to wash it down. Rotterdam wasn't really up to all that much, but perfectly pleasant and the on-water boat museum was lovely. Bruges was as delightful as I remembered, and not as hectic as the last tour that I did with my sister last time we cruised with Mum and Dad. On that occasion we were dragged from our beds at 0630 with hangovers and frogmarched around the city - who'd have thought that the average speed of a little old lady was so fast!

Speaking of hangovers I have been mortally afflicted today buy what I call "double jeopardy" which is the combination of a girl's night out and the arrival of the painters (to put it euphemistically). I wasn't expecting any internal renovation at this stage post-m/c, but in general it is welcome as it means things are getting back to normal?? Dare I hope? Anyway, the counting and bedroom action can now commence, and I must keep taking the tablets!

The girl's night out was excellent though. Much fun had, although yet another of my friends has been visited by the miscarriage fairy - grrrr! Can't she find another beat?

Hols

To get away from the general picture of misery I am painting here I'm pleased to say that we are off on a mini-cruise on Sunday. Mum and Dad are treating us to celebrate Dad's "sort of" retirement so we're all heading off to Rotterdam and Zeebrugge courtesy of P&O's Aurora. It should be good fun and if it works out well with Millie I may be able to persuade Ed that it's worthwhile in future.

My 38 weeks pregnant friend is getting impatient to meet her little baby, a feeling I well remember, and I had about 4 weeks still to wait! Hopefully Emma will not have such a long wait before she's cuddling her little one and trying to work out which way up the babygrows go.

Well, work is finished for the week, so time to chill out and watch some rubbish telly.

Onwards and upwards

In my world, once a miscarriage has happened, the only thing to do is start trying again. As soon as possible. My doctor is not convinced there is an underlying problem, so it's back to the bump'n'grindstone. However, my good friend Mel suggested that I consult with a friend's Mum who is a very senior midwife, to see whether she had any theories given my history... and she did. She believes that I have a clotting disorder called antiphospholipid syndrome, or Hughes syndrome, which is preventing enough blood getting to the baby once it embeds, so although we had seen a heartbeat early on on a couple of occasions, the embyro was effectively being starved of blood, hence the early miscarriages.

I looked at the information that my friend's mum sent over and thought that yes, there might be something in it. I had come across the syndrome in my own researches, but it's hard to self diagnose really. Dr G told me I could try taking a baby aspirin per day if ti would make me feel like I was doing something, so I have been doing.

Anyway, the fertility fairies have struck at work again: one lady who was told she could never have children went to the doctor's feeling under the weather, only to be told that she was four months gone, while another who only started ten weeks ago has just announced that she is 14 weeks or so. So I was feeling a little bit down and decided to look more closely at this possible problem. I went on the Hughes syndrome website http://www.hughes-syndrome.org/ and immediately I was struck by the fact that one of the symptoms - classic migraines with aura throughout teens that disappear and recur in the thirties - fits me to a tee. There are a couple of others, such as poor circulation, and of course the early miscarriages, that also apply, but it is the migraine one that has got me thinking, yes, this is it. The treatment is fairly simple - a baby aspirin per day to thin the blood. They do use heparin as well, but you can only get that if you are officially diagnosed, and as the diagnosis takes 6-8 weeks at least and can be inconclusive, I'd prefer to keep going with the aspirin and hope to get pregnant, at which point I'll lay the evidence before Dr G and ask him to monitor me as if I have it.

This syndrome has implications for my future health also, so I'll have to get tested at some stage, but apparently it is fairly easily managed with the aspirin.

So fingers and everything else crossed for a good result next time.

Phew, done and dusted

... it's been a while since my last post, but I'm pleased to report that the nastiness is mostly over with. Things finally started kicking off last Wednesday, and proceeded with alacrity to a state where even an experienced m/c'er like me felt that a trip to the hospital might be in order. Seriously, the amount of washing that was being generated was untrue, even with the giant knicker-mattresses. It was like being a young girl again coping with your first periods. Sigh. Luckily my good friend Mel was around to give me good warning of when a chagne of wardrobe would be needed, and hubby can always be relied on to stop me from wadering around the shops with a crimson tide in evidence.

So, all done, as my daughter would say. And moving on to try for pg #5, this time with added baby aspirin, you never know, it might work.

We've just spent a lovely week on the IOW with my parents and sister, plus visit from Mel too. We went to the church fete in the village I grew up in and ran into our playschool teacher Mrs Bull. At 30 years old Mel and I are still scared of her, a truly formidable woman!

In two weeks we are heading off for a four day cruise on the Aurora out of Southampton. I am really looking forward to it.

Still waiting...

Yes, still waiting to m/c properly. It's the "life is on hold" of it all that gets me. I couldn't be less pregnant if I tried. I am the complete opposite of pregnant. There is no potential at the moment and nothing I can do about it but wait. I suppose I should be grateful that I "tend" to m/c naturally and fairly painlessly - certainly most women have probably had period pains worse than what I'll get, but it's a small comfort. A bit of drama would at least make me feel more worthy of wallowing in gloom. Things are beginning to happen though, so I must just be patient, and keep a "padwatch" going - soaking more than a pad an hour and it's off to casualty for me - unlikely though!

I do tend to approach life with a "there are lots of people with bigger problems than yours" sort of perspective, and there have been many occasions over the last few weeks when I have realised that this suffering is nothing compared to that which I know about. From the close to home - the death on Sunday morning of our vicar's father, to tragedies such as the Twin Cities bridge, and the ever-enduring agony of the McCann family. I haven't felt able to cry this time, as I have so many wonderful people in my life, not least E and M, and it would seem cheap.

When I'm with my family I am fine, but when I am at work I could curl up sometimes. I know (hope?) this agony is only temporary. Soon we will be able to move on, and we have managed it once. I know that for me, a successful pregnancy cancels out the agony of trying and failing, even though it is necessarily an excruciatingly anxious time. It is not like that for everyone, and I don't believe that my experiences of early miscarriage can compare with some of the awful tragedies that mothers suffer in the pursuit of a baby.

But! There's always some good news, and this week's good news is that my brother-in-law and his girlfiriend are getting married! They have been together longer than E and me, so about time! They are coming down on Thursday and we are going out for a meal to celebrate. What with that, a V1rgin Vie party on Wednesday and another trip to the Island on Friday, things are looking up.